Slow Progress Is Still Progress

I live alone. No one hears me play piano except me. For the most part, that's how I like it.

When I do play for family -- which happens maybe once every couple of years when someone insists -- there's this predictable pattern. First they're startled that I can play at all. Legitimately shocked that recognizable music is coming out. Then pretty quickly it shifts to this sort of polite disappointment when they realize I make mistakes constantly. The melody keeps going but my left hand is scrambling to catch up, or I hit a wrong note and have to keep moving because stopping would be worse.

When people think "playing piano," they picture someone who can sit down and perform a piece cleanly and at tempo. What I do doesn't look like that.

I don't "play" piano. I practice piano. There's a difference.

I never learn any pieces beginning to end. I read steadily but not at the right speed. I can't perform anything well, even when reading it. What I can do is sight read better than I could three years (or two years, or six months) ago. I play through pages without stopping now, even if it's not pretty. I mean, I used to couldn't sight read at all.

But I find it rewarding to discover I can do something I once couldn't. I'll be working through a book and realize I'm reading ahead by a measure or two without thinking about it. Or I'll play something in Eb or Ab and my fingers just know where to go. Those moments make me feel like I'm getting somewhere, even if "somewhere" isn't a place anyone would pay to hear.

The cost of focused practice on individual skills means I have no repertoire. I work on scales in all keys, I do ear training exercises, I practice sight reading a little faster and with harder music. It doesn't produce anything you'd want to record, even though occasionally I do that. Just, it's what I want to be doing.

(One thing that's cool is if I lose interest and don't play for a few months, I'm better at reading when I resume.)

I want to be this one older pianist I saw years ago on YouTube. Haven't been able to find him again, which drives me crazy. He had a channel where he'd put a sheet of music up and just read it and play it. Early 20th century pieces, I think. In one video he had just gotten a new piano. He played facing the right side of the screen. He had probably played his entire life and you could tell -- he wasn't flashy, just competent and comfortable. (He wasn't Edward Tarte or Harry Volker, although I admire their work on their channels too. If anyone knows who I'm talking about, get in touch.)

I started in my mid-50s. I'm 63 now. I never lose hope of being like him someday -- just putting music in front of myself and playing it, mistakes and all, for the simple pleasure of making music happen.

No audience needed. Just me in my house, pleased with myself for getting better. That's enough.